Without realizing, I’ve became a Christian for more than 10 years. Many people must have wondered why after accepting Christ for more than 10 years, I still haven’t got baptized. What took me so long? When I went back to Malaysia about 3 months ago, I told my Malaysian friends and my church friends and leaders that I will be going for baptism on Easter Day of this year and they were all shocked and surprised because all of them thought that I’ve already been baptized, especially my non-believer friends. My journey with the Lord was a long and with many ups and downs one. I still remember before I became a Christian, in my school’s report card, my religion status changed every year. One year my dad will write “Christian”, another year my dad will write “Buddhist”, so, I never had a clear image of my religion.
I started going to the church by attending Sunday School when I was 8 years old. I was being forced by my parents to go to church with an excuse of “wanting me to learn and speak English”. The next thing I know, after 6 months of going to church, my parents went for baptism, thus, I continuously attend church every Sundays. During my days in Sunday School, I’ve got myself involved in many activities. For example, every year’s Good Friday, Easter Sunday, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, I would be up in the stage performing drama, dance or part of the choir. When Christmas arrived, I will be out in the city visiting Old Folks’ Homes, Handicapped Homes, Hospitals and Hotels to sing for caroling. I still remember at the age of 12, I’ve experienced God’s love and healing on me. There was a night in which my mom couldn’t sleep for the whole night and she remembered that her leader told her, “sometimes at night if you could not sleep and seemed like something is bothering you, start praying for the people around you or read a bible”. Even after doing so, my mom still could not sleep. The next day, we had a lunch appointment with my best friend’s family and my senior pastor’s wife. After that lunch, while I was crossing the road, I did not see a car coming at fast speed and so I got hit by the car which the car’s tire ran over my foot. Right after that incident, my whole foot was bruised and I couldn’t walk. Right on the spot, my pastor quickly laid hand on my foot and prayed for me. So, my mom quickly sent me to the hospital for X-rays and check-ups. After the whole procedures, it was so amazing that the big bruise on my foot was reduced to as small as a quarter and I could walk with no obstacles and my mom finally knew why she couldn’t sleep the whole night. But none of these suggested me to go for baptism, perhaps, I was still young.
After the age of 12, I left the Sunday school and joined the Youth Ministry. When I was in the Youth Ministry, I’ve got myself more involved than before. Around the age of 13, there was a healing crusade held in my city by Reverend Roy Durman. Through that healing crusade, I saw God healed many: the cripples or wheel-chaired could walk, the deaf and dumb could listen and started pronouncing ABCs, people who were demon-possessed and they were set free. All these miracles happened in front of my eyes and yet, it did not occur to me to go for baptism. Other than that, I’ve went for church camps, mission trips, feed the poor and homeless and attended many theological and bible classes. Other missionary groups such as the Planetshakers and Hillsongs United had come to my city and I’ve been part of the crew. I’ve been so involved in church to serve the Lord but yet, all these didn’t touch my heart to go for baptism. All these activities had been part of my life until I was 15 years old when I’ve decided to migrate to the US alone. This is when I thought that it’s time for me to go for baptism before I migrate because I know I can only rely on God and I want to have a strong relationship with Him before I leave so that I will not fall into temptations. So, I asked my parents for permission because according to our church’s tradition, anyone who is under 18 years old has to have permission from parents. My dad gave me a “no” answer because he said, “You will only go for baptism after you are 18 years old and when you are mature enough to know this is what you really want and not because your friends are going for it, so, you join the crowd.” So, I left Malaysia without getting baptized.
After I’ve migrated to the US, I’ve stopped going to the church for almost 3 years because I couldn’t find the right church and slowly, that reason turned into laziness. There were times I felt like I was too far away from God and I should get back to church and voices inside kept on telling me, “You don’t need to go to church to acknowledge you are a Christian. You can read the bible and pray daily by yourself,” but I never did so. During the period of time when I was alone in the US, without my parents, I’ve been through many down and struggling moments in my life. The worst thing is I’m starting to lose the strong and close relationship with God. Before I came to the US, I had to pray to God every night before I sleep if not I will have nightmares. But after that, I don’t even pray at night before I go to sleep. God has no longer become the First in my life. Then, I started to feel lost, I do not know who I am and what is my purpose of my life anymore. There were some times in my life in which I will spend hours of crying because I missed God so much and repented. But after that moment, I thought to myself, I do not necessarily need to go to church to re-build the relationship with God. Plus, those messages in church every Sunday, they are all like the same to me because after hearing God’s words for so many years. Those were the stubbornness and egos in me.
My parents joined me in the US after 3 years and they realized I did not go to church and kept on encouraging me to attend one but I refused with the excuse that there’s no church right for me. As days passed, more sadness and the spirit of hatred are building in me. I hate the fact that I have to go through so many sad and bad moments, I hate the fact I was born in this world and started to feel that God left me and let me suffer. There were feelings of rejections in me and there was once I was admitted to the hospital for anxiety and depression. Finally, I realized I cannot have all these feelings in me given the fact that I was such a strong and faithful believer before when I was in Malaysia. I pulled out my bible and started reading and one day, I kneeled before God and cried heavily for blaming on God and repented my sins. I blamed the Lord for leaving me and letting me suffer which in fact, I was the one who chose to leave Him. I started to understand the fact that God loves me so much that He will never leaves me. So, I promised to myself I wanted to go back to church, like regularly and one day, while I was in high school, I saw Jessica and I walked up to her and asked her which church she attended and would love to give it a try on her church. This is how I’ve come to join ABMC. Slowly, I came back to church and I find back my Christian walk with the Lord. Then one day, my mom came in to my room and told me, “Your elder sister is getting baptized. Both of your parents, your oldest brother and both your elder sisters are baptized already, when is your turn? You are one of the earliest in the family to know the Lord”. I kept quiet to this question but made a silence prayer, asking God to give me His time and touch my heart to go for baptism.
After a year, while attending this church, all of the sudden there’s a voice inside me kept on asking me to go for baptism but I thought it was just an emotional decision. But more than half a year ago, I went through another down moment in my life and I was still not satisfied with the relationship I am having with the Lord. I was crying and asked God why does He always says He loves me but never shows His love? Then suddenly this thought came to my mind that I want to go for baptism and break this wall! Because I’ve always felt that there’s a limited relationship between me and God. I realized, no matter how much I am involved in the church, how many hours I spent serving the Lord, how many prayers I’ve made, there was still this wall in between, it’s like I can never get closer to the Lord anymore. I do not know what was in between in this relationship until I figured out I’ve been holding back for so long for not going to baptism. I’ve been such a stubborn follower, there were so many excuses I kept on telling myself not to go for baptism or I do not need baptism to go to heaven and have eternal life. So, I made a prayer and told God if this is Your will, show me a sign. True enough, a few weeks later, Jojo saw me and suddenly came up to me and told me Micky is having a baptism class. Then, I thought, this must have been God’s will and so, I finally decided to attend this baptism class and go for baptism, totally surrendering my life to the Lord.
